So there’s an absolutely ridiculous article about how Obesity May Threaten Mitten Industry, based on the ridiculous headline to this apparently serious piece of ‘scientific journalism’.Â Which has had me giggling to myself pretty much all day.Â It’s like a wonderful piece of absurdest satire (is that even a thing?).Â It’s so ridiculous that it makes the absurdity of so much obesity reporting really fricken obvious.
1. Take an observation (a small sample of fat people have, on average, slightly warmer hands and slightly cooler bellies than a small sample of thin people).
2. Draw some conclusions (fat people loose more body heat through their hands because fat has insulating properties…?).
3. Extrapolate to mean THE-END-OF-THE-WORLD-ZOMG-WELL-OK-NOT-THE-WORLD-BUT-THE-MITTEN-INDUSTRY-AND-MAYBE-THE-SOCK-INDUSTRY-TOO-BECAUSE-WE-ASSUME-FAT-PEOPLE-HAVE-HOT-FEET-TOO-EVEN-THOUGH-WE-DIDN’T-MEASURE-THAT-AND-ANYWAY-ONCE-THE-MITTEN-INDUSTRY-AND-THE-SOCK-INDUSTRY-ARE-GONE-YOU-MIGHT-AS-WELL-SAY-GOODBYE-TO-CIVILISATION-ITSELF even though you don’t actually say that mitten sales have decreased one iota.Â This step is also known as: Invent An Entirely Imaginary Problem To Blame On Fat People.
Well, that settles it.Â I’m donating my seven pairs of mittens to a charity for cold skinny people.Â Well, ok, it’s actually six pairs of gloves and only one pair of mittens.Â And those mittens are also convertable to fingerless gloves, so I don’t know if they even count at mittens…
Never mind the logical disconnect where warmer hands would actually feel colder (ever had a fever that’s made you shiver?).Â Or that, if you were loosing body heat through your hands, it would be extremely efficient to put on mittens to trap the heat and stay warm (same logic as wearing a hat).Â It would even be more efficient than, say, putting on a jacket, since your fat belly is already keeping all the heat in there (ha! obesity is really killing the jacket industry!Â I knew it was killing something!).
I wonder if Carol Burdge, executive director of the International Glove Association, actually mean to imply that fat people’s hands were somehow akin to finely calibrated instruments that could accurately register the temperature to fractions of degrees when she said “You could use your hands like thermometers”?